Summer’s here! We’d write some cliched women’s magazine bullshit about capsule wardrobes and effortlessly chic dressing, but we actually plan to spend most of it in our mom’s basement, binge-watching Orange Is The New Black. Still, rickets and a complete lack of social skills won’t stop us planning our perfect all-in holiday to to soulless resort town! Here are Scentbitch’s top five summer fragrances:

  1. Green Irish Tweed by Creed – Top notes of chlorine and semen for the man who has everything, including genital herpes. Bonus: it goes on forever, just like a Creed thread on Basenotes!
  2. Bleu de Chanel – The perfect holiday scent, if you’re spending your holiday trapped in the toilet of a budget airline!
  3. Sahara by Tom Ford – We think sultry Oriental fragrances work really well in hot weather. If you love Ambre Sultan, but want to pay twice as much for it, this one’s for you.
  4. BOSS Orange Man Feel Good Summer – We don’t know what this smells like, but it says summer so probably it’s great! Plus it’s designer so you know it’s classy (available for $29.24 at FragranceNet.com).
  5. Dolce & Gabanna Light Blue Summer in Salina – One for the ladies! Wear it to fill the gaping hole in your vacuous personality for the twenty identical weddings you’ll no doubt be attending this August.

Have a fabulous great adequate summer!