We didn’t make a bingo sheet (because honestly who has the time for that) but our expert knowledge of the past several years says here’s how it goes at tonight’s “fragrance oscars” of the UK arm of the industry (so not actually like the oscars at all more like maybe the baftas?)

  • Roja Dove wins another award for an oud candle or whatever as a thank you for perpetuating the myths of perfumery (and for bringing Nandy del Ollio again). 
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream & Lady Million Oh My Gold win something probably.
  • Tom Ford takes a clean sweep of all nominated categories because his perfumes are classy.
  • Richard E Grant wins an award (over more deserving brands) for his “contribution” to the celebrity obsessed Fragrance Foundation UK.
  • Harrods get retailer of the year for opening a whole new floor that maybe 5 customers that have visited since it opened.
  • Burberry wins a campaign award because Cara Delevigne was in the ad.
  • Cheryl definitely not racist I’d even marry a homosexual to prove it Tweedy-Cole-Vagina-Fernandez beats the crap out of a toilet attendant with her award.
  • Everyone says they had a great night at the Fifis even though the Fragrance Foundation are doing their damnedest to rebrand them.

May the odds be ever in your favour.